4 min read
5 Things You Should Never Say to Someone Who Just Lost a Dog
If someone close to you recently lost a dog, it's important to consider their feelings before offering advice. In this piece, pet journalist Amber Hankins gives guidance on what you should or shouldn't say when someone loses their dog.
“Having a dog will bless you with the happiest days of your life and one of the worst days.” – Author unknown
Owning a dog can bring us, as humans, so much joy. At the same time, the end of their life can bring us heartbreak, grief, and sorrow. They become our family members, and we treat them as such. They’re kind, loyal, and they love us, just as much as we love them; and they have a way of making us feel better, even on our worst days.
Whether you’ve had your dog for 10 months or 10 years, losing them can bring overwhelming sadness that is often hard to cope with. It’s certainly a different type of grief that isn’t always socially understood.
Even as an adult, I get teary-eyed when talking about my childhood dog Maggie. I vividly remember being about 12 years old and watching her body slowly deteriorate. She was the best dog you could hope for and had been a part of our family since I was born.
Loving, kind, gentle – everything you’d want in a furry companion. Maggie would lose control of her bowels and had cancerous tumors all over her body. It got so bad, she could barely walk and would moan in agony and pain.
She was now an “old dog,” and the trials that came with it were heartbreaking to witness. My mom finally decided Maggie needed to be put down. I’ll never forget seeing her carry Maggie’s body into the back of the car, saying over and over how sorry she was, reassuring Maggie how much joy she brought into all of our lives and telling her she would be okay. It is a memory that’s forever etched in my mind and one that to this day is painful to recall.
What to Say and What Not to Say
This type of sorrow begs the question – what do you say to someone who just lost a dog? What do you refrain from saying? How do you make that person know that you really do care?
I consulted with Tom Dock, Certified Veterinary Journalist and Executive Director for the American Society of Veterinary Journalists, to help find the answers; to help us learn how to respond with no judgment, but more of an understanding of a pet owner’s sorrow and ability to know that grief has no timeline and it is different… for everyone.
Dock starts by saying that in the most recent survey of pet owners by Pew Research, 97% of people with pets consider those pets to be part of the family. Even more, over half of those surveyed consider their pets to be on the same level as the rest of the human family. That’s quite a statement.
Dock said with more than 67% of households in the U.S. owning some sort of pet, the odds are good that you might encounter someone who has recently had a pet pass away due to any number of reasons. So how can you avoid saying the wrong thing to someone who is grieving over a pet? Consider these five reminders:
Reminder One
“An important thing to remember,” Dock said, “is that every one of us will handle grief differently, whether it’s a human family member, a best friend, or a furry family member. Saying things like “I know how you feel…” or “I understand completely…” may sound helpful, but in reality, these statements lack empathy.”
Reminder Two
“Without knowing more about the situation, do you really understand what it’s like to lose a pet to an aggressive cancer? Have you ever had a pet hit by a car, or worse, have you ever accidentally run over your own dog? These are situations we see in veterinary medicine routinely,” Dock said.
Reminder Three
“Using more empathetic statements, such as ‘I can’t imagine the feelings you are having right now’, provides a connection between you and the grieving pet parent without making the conversation about you,” he explained.“
Other statements might include: ‘Barney was such a great pup…you must be missing him greatly right now’ or ‘I always thought Cierra was such a pretty name for your Siamese… what prompted you to name her that?’”
Reminder Four
Engaging the grieving pet parent doesn’t have to be about this moment in time. “Encourage them to tell stories of their dog’s favorite walking route or how much trouble the cat got into as a kitten,” he suggested.
Reminder Five
Above all, Dock said it is vital to avoid phrases like: “He’s just a dog” or “Let’s go find another kitten for you to help you feel better.” “Pet lovers have special and unique relationships with each individual pet,” he said, “and pushing them to move on or limit their grief is not healthy.”
Key Points to Remember
Above all, when someone loses a pet, remember to be empathetic and genuine about your response. Consider saying things like, “I’m so sorry for your loss,” or “I can’t imagine how difficult this must be for you.” Let them know you care and understand their grief.
You could also mention the pet’s name, talk about how special they were, and recount any memories or special moments about them. If you feel comfortable, you can also ask if there’s anything you can do – maybe you can help with errands, bring over a meal, or be there to listen if they need to talk.
Most of all, don’t minimize a grieving pet parent’s loss. To you, it may be just a furry companion, but as mentioned above, for some people, losing a pet is like losing a family member, so your words can hurt deeply. Also, don’t just tell them to get another pet or rush their grieving process. Those words and behaviors can be hurtful and inconsiderate.
Final Takeaway
For some, losing a pet can be just as devastating as losing a family member. Let this person know that it’s okay to cry and to feel all the emotions that come with it, acknowledging the relationship they had with their pet and what it meant to them. Encourage this pet parent to treat themselves with patience and compassion and to reach out for additional help if they need it.
Pet owners might even consider having a memorial or other service to honor their pet’s memory or joining a pet support group to connect with others who have experienced pet loss. Another idea is to have them write a letter to their pet to help say goodbye and get their feelings out on paper. Most importantly, remind your pet owner friends that grief has no timetable.
They might feel better one day and intense sorrow the next, and that’s okay. Dock reminds us that helping a grieving person find resources (online or otherwise) to help deal with the loss of their pet might be one of the best things you can do for them.
In life, loss (both human and pet) is inevitable. We hurt deeply because we love deeply. One of the reasons why the loss of a pet hurts so much is because of the unconditional and accepting love they offer. They become cherished members of our family, and the sacred bond we form with them can be deeply personal. This is why it’s so painful when they’re gone. But what a profound love.
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